LEARNING TO SAY NO | 9 POWERFUL TIPS FOR POSITIVE MENTAL HEALTH
Naomi Buffrey – Social Anxiety Coach
LEARNING TO SAY NO | 9 POWERFUL TIPS FOR POSITIVE MENTAL HEALTH
THE GIRL WHO COULDN’T SAY NO
When I was about 15 years old, my friend’s brother asked me out. I had no interest in him at all. But the word ‘no’ just wasn’t in my vocabulary. So, I politely said, ‘Let me think about it’. I hadn’t said yes, but somewhat cruelly, I’d left him hanging on. I didn’t see it like that though. I thought I was sparing his feelings by not saying no.
I went on a long hiding campaign after that. I stopped going to my friend’s house. I avoided places I knew he would be. And if I ever caught a glimpse of him, I’d run off in the opposite direction. All just to avoid saying no. It was irrational. But the feeling of letting somebody down filled me up with anxiety.
I’ve got myself in all sorts of predicaments over the years because I couldn’t say no. I’ve missed friends birthdays because I couldn’t say no at work. I’ve stayed in jobs for years longer than I should. I’ve spent money I don’t have. I’ve gone on holidays I haven’t wanted to go on. But, where does it come from? This discomfort with uttering this seemingly small yet intimidating word?
Being a people pleaser isn’t just about finding it hard to be more assertive. There is also a real block around putting yourself first. When you struggle to say no to people and tasks, putting yourself first feels almost impossible.
Something I read in PsychCentral.com really summed up the psychology of a people pleaser succinctly:
“It is not hyperbolic to say that many people pleasers never learned that they are separate people with needs and preferences who exist independently of their value to others. Therefore, the idea of saying no to what someone else wants is almost unthinkable and often terrifying.”
Put simply, people pleasers need other people to like them. They often base their own self-worth on what other people think of them and are afraid of offending people by saying no. Deep down, this is usually because they lack confidence or struggle to like or love themselves. They lack a strong enough sense of self belief and need approval from others instead, to feel validated.
People pleaser’s need to be needed. They need everyone to be happy around them and they are willing to sacrifice their own happiness to achieve this. They might consider the concept of putting themselves first as ‘selfish’ and saying no to something is therefore a selfish act. They may even pride themselves on their ‘selfless’ and self-sacrificing nature without realising that ultimately this can be damaging to their own wellbeing. These learned behaviours can be difficult to break.
We create defence mechanisms and coping strategies from our experiences. Learning to make other people happy ahead of myself was something I developed to survive some traumatising experiences in my youth.
However, it is possible to break the cycle of always says yes when really we want to say no. So what can we do about it?
If you are reading this and nodding your head, it is possible to stop this habit all together. The key to long lasting change is to learn how to give yourself validation rather than looking for it from other people.
When you learn how to build your own self-esteem, you will in turn find the need for approval from other people will reduce. Once you master that, you’ll have the confidence to stop people pleasing.
NINE TIPS I USED TO BREAK THE HABIT
1. YOU DON’T HAVE TO SAY YES
When you have a people pleasing habit, you sometimes forget that you actually have a choice! Because it’s habitual behaviour, you just say yes to everything without even thinking. To break the habit, you need to make a conscious effort to pause for a moment before you say yes to something without even thinking first. Better this than to agree to something immediately and then have the discomfort of trying to wriggle out of it later. Say to yourself ‘I have a choice’ and then base your decision on how that choice makes you feel.
2. PUT THINGS INTO PERSPECTIVE
It can be so easy to blow things out of proportion, especially if you have a tendency towards dramatic thinking. It’s a common trap to massively overestimate the negative things that could happen if you say no. ‘If I say no, that will be our friendship over for good.’ Learn how to take a step back and consider whether what you are thinking is based on fact or fear. Is there any evidence to back up what you are thinking? Are you being irrational and listening to fear rather than basing your internal opinion on fact?
3. SET YOUR BOUNDARIES
A few years ago somebody told me I needed to have clearer boundaries. I scratched my head and replied, ‘What are those then?’ I never used to know what boundaries were and I certainly didn’t have any. I allowed anyone to come in and walk all over me. Setting yourself boundaries gives you some rules about what you are and aren’t willing to accept. Once you have defined a clear set of boundaries for yourself, it becomes much easier to say no.
4. GIVE YOURSELF SOME TIME
Rather than instantly saying yes to everything, give yourself some breathing space to think things over. Think about what you might be taking away from yourself if you say yes. Is it worth it? Does it involve you going out of your way? How do you feel about that? Does if effect your family? Mull it over first. Don’t feel pressurised into making instant decisions. Learn to get comfortable with the idea (or not).
5. BE KIND TO YOURSELF
Do you ever take notice of your internal dialogue? Start taking notice and listen to how you speak to yourself. Are you kind, compassionate and understanding? Or are you mean and berating? Do you put lots of pressure on yourself or do you have realistic expectations of yourself? Practice replacing unkind thoughts with kind ones. Recognise when you are being hard on yourself and cut yourself some slack.
6. PROCESS YOUR EFFORTS DAILY
At the end of the day do you think about all the things you haven’t done? It’s a habit a lot of people get into. Try switching that thought process up. Think about the positives from your day no matter how small. Stop focussing on the need for big achievements. Give yourself positive praise for trying your best, even if your best today was taking time out to relax.
7. USE YOUR IMAGINATION
Sometimes our imagination can work against us. What do you imagine might happen if you say no to somebody? Do you find yourself catastrophising situations in your mind, where you become disliked for saying no and get rejected? Get into the habit of imagining what you want to happen rather than what you fear might happen. Spend about 30 minute of your day imagining yourself feeing confident, calm and self-assured saying no.
8. TURN NEGATIVES INTO POSITIVES
Stop thinking about the things that could go wrong if you say no. Think about all the positives instead. Think about how much more time you will have. Think about how you will spend less time worrying. Tell yourself how awesome you are for standing up for yourself.
9. REFRAME YOUR THOUGHTS
Thoughts can get out of control when you feel scared. They start piling on top of each other until your head is full of anxious thoughts and there are no room left for rational thoughts. The ‘what if’s’ start to plague your mind. What if they don’t like me? What if they tell everyone I’m a horrible person? What if they can’t find somebody else to help? What if something awful happens because of me?
Slow those thoughts down. How true are they? Don’t just allow them into your head. Are they helping the situation? Can you think of something more helpful?
Getting comfortable with saying no is challenging but it can be done. It may even be helpful to write down all the emotions you feel when you say no to people. When you are someone who likes to please others, you’ll most likely experience feelings of guilt and selfishness. However, it’s really worth stepping back and unpicking these emotions further and try to understand where these feelings come from.
Most people don’t like to let others down but sometimes we have to put ourselves first when the time is needed. Celebrate saying yes to things when you know it will make the difference to someone else’s life, even in the smallest way. However, also recognise that you are human and if you take on everything, every time, you’ll burn yourself out, possibly feel resentment deep down and won’t be the best version of yourself.
Trust your gut and then be brave. If the person you say no to values you and your reasons truly, even if they are disappointed they will understand. Your own mental health and physical wellbeing is important because without that, when you really do want to be of help, you’ll be unable to. So think of it as self preservation for the times when saying ‘Yes’ really matters!
