10 TIPS TO HEAL A BROKEN HEART

Sharron Goodyear – Personal Branding Photographer and Success Coach

 

10 TIPS TO HEAL A BROKEN HEART

In September 2014, my husband took me to dinner to ‘celebrate’ my birthday. It had been a tough year. We were struggling. A distance had crept into our relationship and despite my deepest efforts to work on our marriage, I knew something had changed. Yet I hoped with sixteen years of togetherness under our belt and ten years of marriage, we’d make it through whatever wasn’t working. We had after all, just recently moved into a lovely new home, that needed work but for which I had vision for, and we had three beautiful children together. So much time, so much history, so much built.  From the outside we looked solid but in reality, the walls of our marriage and life together were slowly starting to crumble.

I sat opposite him in the busy restaurant, sipping prosecco and trying hard to smile. I wanted so desperately to feel the connection we’d once had after a really tough summer together. I was surprised therefore when he indulged me by listening to my hopes and dreams and seemed to show an interest in them. Perhaps we were on our way back…

It turned out to be the last meal we would ever share. The photograph he took of me was the last one he’d ever take and it would be the last day I would ever wear the wedding ring he’d placed on my finger some ten years before. The next morning I was to wake to a new reality. It’s an old cliche really. The suspecting wife, finding the email that would change everything, from the woman she didn’t know. My heart banged so loudly in my chest I thought it might suddenly stop. And honestly, for a moment, I think it did. What followed was messy, painful, heartbreaking and ugly. It was all the things you would expect. This is where our marriage ended. Right there in that moment. Whilst he showered in preparation for our day out with the kids, and I silently screamed in the next room. 

THE GRIEF OF SEPARATION

Nothing prepares you for this kind of grief. Not really. It’s like standing in the road, frozen to the spot whilst watching the bus heading towards you. You know it’s coming but when it hits it hurts infinitely more than you can imagine. And then just like that your life is different, altered in a way you can’t really fathom. One minute you’re standing and the next – to quote Taylor Swift – you’re ‘laying on the cold hard floor’. 

The next few weeks were a blur. A river of tears coupled with half eaten meals and sleepless nights. Somehow I managed to still do ‘normal’ getting the kids to school on time, running errands and attending the odd toddler group. Do normal and normal will happen, someone told me. This was me playing out normal because I wanted nothing to change. But the reality was, everything had changed. Not just for me but for my children too. 

The fog of grief was thick and heavy in those early days, I just couldn’t see past it. Despite the friends and family that supported me I felt utterly alone in it all. Because no matter how much I was consoled, grief in its rawest state attaches itself to you in a way nobody else can feel. If I watched someone trap their fingers in the door, I may understand their pain but only the person that is hurt is the one truly feeling and experiencing it. That was how it was for me and I suspect for anyone else who has been through it. 

However, at some point fairly early on I made a decision and this is where my real journey began. I made the decision that not only was I going to survive this, I was going to build strength from it – not harden – but strengthen. I was going to write myself a brand new story and this time I was in the drivers seat.

THE FIRST FEW MONTHS

With every heartbreak comes milestones. The 10 year wedding anniversary we were only weeks from celebrating together had different choices been made. Our son’s 8th birthday, our little boy’s 2nd birthday. Bonfire Night, Halloween, Christmas…All with an empty space. Even trips to the supermarket were hard because suddenly I was doing them alone, picking dinners for 4 of us instead of 5. Couples holding hands. Smiling, happy. My self esteem at rock bottom.

Yet life still went on. The kids still needed their routine and they needed my love and reassurance more than ever too. So I plastered a smile on it all as best I could and continued with my new life somewhat bewildered and fragile, nursing my grief with a heavy heart. Then there was still having to communicate with him over the kids when all I really wanted to do was hide from ever seeing him again. When it all got too much, my parents took on that responsibility for a while. I needed time to heal. I needed time to work on that promise I’d made to myself to strengthen and rebuild.

WORKING THROUGH THE STAGES OF GRIEF

When you go through grief, whether it be a break up or losing a loved one, the grief process is fundamentally the same: Shock & denial, anger, bargaining, sadness or depression and then acceptance. However, certainly where a break up is concerned there is also eventually hope (for yourself and your future) and finally there’s letting go. The grief process however, does not follow any particular order. You may have finally accepted things but then suddenly you’re sat in a moment of reflection, or have a memory triggered and despite your bravest of efforts, you’re back to the sadness. It’s a cycle and it takes time to work through.

For me, it was purely about survival in the early days. Getting up and getting on. Dealing with divorce solicitors, whilst running a home and keeping three young children alive. That kind of thing. I experienced all of the stages of grief but possibly the most important decision I made for myself was to not allow myself to be eaten up by bitterness and anger. Whilst there were times I inevitably felt those emotions, I was careful to keep them in check.

My focus instead was to be a good role model for the children. This desire was much greater than my desire to express any anger or vitriol. I certainly didn’t want to affect the children’s relationship with their Dad, despite what I was going through. I was not going to punish him and hurt them at the same time. The children were not weapons of war but beautiful, innocent little people that needed to be shielded from the fall out as much as possible.

This focus helped me through the darkness, particularly in the early days. It became my purpose and when you lose something, no matter what it is, finding a new sense of purpose is vital to your recovery and healing. So with a fresh perspective and redirected hope I allowed a little light to creep back into my heart and started to open my mind to the idea that one day I may discover happiness again.

FINDING HOPE AND HAPPINESS

I wish I could say I discovered a magic bullet for the pain of a broken heart. That when you meet someone new or when a certain amount of time has passed it will all just disappear. Where raw pain existed, numbness often creeps in to begin with. Time DOES help. It absolutely helps in terms of processing the trauma of loss. Meeting someone new helped me too.

My partner is a wonderful, loving and kind man. He gave me emotional security and together we have travelled the world as photographers. Creativity is what bonded us and my eyes were opened to a completely new way of life that was both rich and fulfilling beyond what I could have ever expected. This was true in part to my wonderful parents who supported me with the children.

However, for those who haven’t experienced it, it may be difficult to comprehend that sadness and happiness can co-exist in the same heart. We can find love again, we can laugh again and we can enjoy life. Hell we can even have a better life than we ever dreamed of in the end! However, grief and emotional heartbreak leaves its mark. We don’t move on. We move forward. Somedays it will feel like a giant leap forward, other days it’s baby steps and then sometimes we fall back. However, no matter how many times we fall back, moving forward again and again is the only true path to our healing.

THE JOURNEY OF SELF HEALING

When someone breaks your heart, it hurts. Friends and family will rally round for support, you may lose some friends along the way sadly too, but new ones will fill the void. People may tell you, it’s time to ‘get over it’ or ask ‘why are you still sad about this stuff?’ as time moves on and with it lies an expectation that so must you. However, one thing I have learned is that only you can find your way through it ultimately in your own time. Choose the right confidants and make a plan to check yourself into your own personal rehab. Then start the self healing journey in earnest.

It took me a couple of years to get through the messy divorce process. Because divorce isn’t always cut and dry. Divorce is about emotions and emotions as we all know, can be messy, particularly where finances and our homes are concerned. Once I had emerged from what felt like an eternal state of limbo, where uncertainty seemed all that was certain for a while, I found myself on firmer ground. From this firmer ground, the foundations for a new life were built. I found a lovely new home for the kids and I. My partner moved in. We have a wonderful little community here too. The outside stuff was finally going well.

However, happiness is very much an inside job. You can’t find it outside of yourself, not completely. The outside world only serves to enhance it. If your internal world is broken, the outside world can’t reach you. So how do we fix this? We make a choice. A choice to finally let go.

Resisting grief, resisting pain is ultimately more damaging in the long run than simply allowing it to wash over you. To really experience it. Don’t fight it, just go with it. Accept it as something that is happening ‘to’ you. A process to endure to get to the other side. I say this because like any dark storm, the clouds eventually grow less heavy and slowly they allow the light back in. However, we ourselves, have to be prepared to let the light back in. We have to choose today over yesterday. Only then can we let go of the past, heal and move forward. When we learn to self heal, we find our strength. We develop a deeper empathy for others. We become more forgiving of ourselves and others. We understand that the only person that completes us…is us.

10 TIPS TO HEAL A BROKEN HEART

There is no true magic formula for mending a broken heart because we are all individuals and so one size doesn’t necessarily fit all. However, this is what I have learned looking back:

1. Don’t expect to make sense of it all when it happens. You’re in shock and you’re hurting. It’s okay to go through that. Let it happen.

2. Confide in the right people. People you trust and who will support you in the right way. Who won’t judge you as you work your way through things. Bring only positive energy into your space that will carry you when need it.

3. Allow yourself some time for reflection. Look at the old photos. Cry as much as you need to.

4. Be angry if you have to be but don’t act on it. You’ll regret it I promise. Instead process it – call a friend or family member and have a good rant. Punch your pillow but try super hard not to vent on social media or on a text message to the person in question. Trust me when I say, your future self (the one who’s way down the track from where you are now) will thank you. Take control of your anger and then and only then, make the approach if needed. An assertive approach is a much better solution. Whilst you may feel better initially for the outburst or action made in anger, ultimately it just creates more anger. It creates more bitterness within you and for only you to bear.

5. When you are ready, learn to be kind to yourself. Be brave. Put the photos away. Stop looking at the social media posts. Shift your focus from them to you and looking after yourself. What happens next for you?

6. Do all you can to distract yourself from being consumed by thoughts of them. If you find yourself heading down the rabbit hole. Self check. If needed allow a certain amount of time each day to think about them. Then as the days move on try to shorten it a little each time and continue to do so. Some fantasising is ok but it shouldn’t be ruling your day. Be in control of your thinking. Don’t let it be in control of you.

7. Reduce the amount of contact you have with the person where you can if a clean break isn’t possible. This isn’t always easy, certainly if children are involved. However, I made the choice to remove myself from the handovers with the kids for a long time. Until I was ready. Then I allowed myself the choice as to whether I did or didn’t. I took control of my own emotional wellbeing.

8. Work on building your self esteem. When a relationship ends, even if you are the one to end it, you can often quickly lose your self esteem and question your self worth. You can feel a bit lost. Undesirable and rejected. This is because you’re listening to the wrong voice. Stop listening to the critical inner voice and start nurturing your inner child. Sorry if that sounds a bit ‘woo woo’. But it’s true. We all have one and I’d like to think that if you’re reading this you wouldn’t hurt a child like you’re hurting yourself right now.

9. When the dust has settled, take time to see if there’s anything you can learn from the break up or the relationship. Most things in life are sent to us to teach us something. They may push us in a different direction. One we weren’t expecting but if we are prepared to finally embrace the new path then good things can happen. Each fork in the road takes us on a new journey both physically and emotionally. You may not know where yet but you have to be open to the new possibilities that are out there for you.

10. Practice self care. Start looking after yourself. Eat a nutritious balanced diet. Recognise when you need to ease off on the alcohol if you’re having too much. If you’re not doing it already, start taking regular exercise. It doesn’t need to be full on 5 times a week at the gym (unless you want it to be), but making time for physical activity even if it’s just taking a walk in the fresh air, is good for your mental health. It releases endorphins which help us feel better. Indulge in comedy. Learn to laugh again. Avoid music that makes you sad or films that remind you of them. Watch things that distract you rather than remind you.

Finally, hard as it may seem right now, don’t close yourself off to the possibility of ever finding love again. Learn from the problems in your last relationship but don’t take them and any resulting insecurities with you. The next person you meet, is not the person you broke up from. If you find yourself going for a ‘type’ that leads to failed relationships, re-evaluate your future decisions.

When you’re hurting, it’s easy to want to shut down a part of your broken heart and never let anyone in again. However you do have a choice. You can either harden your heart or strengthen it as a result of your pain. If you choose the latter, your heart can grow wider and deeper than before. That deeper love and connection can spread way beyond your future romantic relationships, to your family, friends and most importantly of all, yourself…

 

BOOKS THAT HELPED ME HEAL

The first two books I read as part of my self healing journey were The Untethered Soul by Michael A Singer and Letting Go – The Pathway to Surrender by David R Hawkins. These books played a deep and profound part in helping me move forward with my life. They helped me understand the complexity of the mind and how the mind processes experiences and emotions. I then used these learnings to create my emotional toolkit for healing.

I would recommend them to anyone who has experienced loss or grief in any form. Although their teachings are much wider than this one subject and are heavily psychology and spiritually based, to me they were fascinating reads and helped me greatly. Letting Go is admittedly a heavy subject but one I was personally able to immerse myself in. I recommend these titles to all who I coach. They are available on Audible to download.